I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
i believe in u and ur pee
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
