I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
