Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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