I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
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I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
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I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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