in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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