I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
