OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Are my feet made of real feet?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
