I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
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The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
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Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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