im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
