You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
