I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
