he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
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I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
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I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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