theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I believe in your delicious
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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