he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
