Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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