It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
how drunk are you?
Several
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
