Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
