I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
