2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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