just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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