i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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