I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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