She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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