I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
