apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
