Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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