i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
