Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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