we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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