and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
