you should give me head with plastic fangs in
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
