I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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