Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
