Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
