I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
