she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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