I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
