Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
