apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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