I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
