She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
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why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
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Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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