dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
