if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
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