i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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