I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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