Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
