3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
