new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize