Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
