I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
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