I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
