brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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