I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
