I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
