She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
