I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
