You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
