Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
