Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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