the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
