I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
