The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize