I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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